Day 4: Memory
by ii-Phoenix-ii
Summary: "Whatever beliefs, motivations, and life experiences I had that once shaped me into the person I was are all gone." [Rivetra Week 2017]


**Memory**

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin

 **Summary:** "Isn't it obvious? Whatever beliefs, motivations, and life experiences I had that once shaped me into the person I was are all gone." [Rivetra Week 2017]

* * *

They were all staring at her, smiling, relieved, surrounding her bed. She blinked, trying to push the heaviness of sleep away.

"—ra! You're awake!" Hange said joyously. "I knew you'd be okay!"

"What?"

"Let's give her some space," the doctor said. "How do you feel?"

"Confused," she replied.

"You suffered a head injury, that's to be expected. The ribs on your right side are bruised and you also have minor scratches. Aside from that, you're okay."

"What happened?" Petra sat up.

"You tried to evade a Titan and took a nasty fall," Levi explained. "I'm a little disappointed how gracelessly you handled yourself."

"Stop being a jerk, Levi," Hange scolded. "The poor girl is lying in a hospital bed."

"Just admit you're happy she's alright," Erd said.

"She could have been seriously hurt, Captain," Oluo said, upset.

"But she's alright," Gunther said.

"She is right here." They turned to look at her. "And she's also wondering what her name is."

* * *

Two days later, Petra winced, reaching for the shirt and packing it in a green bag. Looking around the now bare room, she picked up the bag and shut the door behind her. She left the barrack and made way for the main building. Soldiers studied her as she walked by, eyes darting to the bandage wrapped around her forehead.

Petra knocked on the door.

"Come in." Erwin was sitting behind his desk, Levi and Hange standing near him.

She adjusted the strap of the bag and stood before the desk. "Commander."

"How are you feeling?"

"Stiff," she shrugged. "Otherwise okay."

"I've sighed your medical leave form," he pushed the paper toward her.

"Thank you," Petra accepted it and folded it neatly, putting it away.

"The doctor recommended at least three weeks to recover. I've okayed it for four. Come back when you're ready."

"I'll walk you to the stables," Levi offered and she nodded, and they walked in silence. "Erd gave you the directions, right?"

"Yes," she said. Erd had showed her around the HQ and told her about all the people.

"You sure you don't want an escort? Or have your father pick you up?"

"I'll be fine. I'll have, Nifa, yes? Yeah. We're taking the same route most of the way there. I live very close to where we split off. It's really straightforward."

"If you're sure," Levi said.

Nifa was already present when they arrived. The rest of the squad had wanted her to stay or take her home themselves, but she had rejected them. Levi opened his mouth but Petra quickly mounted her horse. "Guess that answers my question."

"I still have my muscle memories," Petra said. "And Gunther went over the basics yesterday."

"Alright," Levi watched her expertly have the horse trot over to Nifa. They bid him farewell. "Take care of yourself, Ral."

* * *

It was awkward. And strange. Everything felt foreign. Everyone felt foreign. She had grown used to the men in her squad the two days she had spent with them, mostly listening to them explain everything and trying to fill up the blank canvas that was her mind. They had been overbearing at first, trying to do everything for her, treating her like something so fragile she'd break at the slightest touch. Levi was the only one who hadn't. And she had a feeling he had talked the others into treating her a little more normally.

"Petra," her father came into the backyard, "I'm going to pick up some groceries. Would you like anything?"

She thought for a second. "I've been craving apple pie."

"I'll pick some apples up and we can have pie for dessert," he said happily and left.

Petra turned clockwise, the ropes of the swing winding together tighter and tighter. She wasn't quite sure how to act around her father most of the time. He was very nice but expected her to act a certain way. She was sure he was disappointed every time she reacted differently than what he was expecting.

Lifting her toes from the ground, she watched the ropes untangle and the world spun wildly around her.

* * *

"I wasn't expecting to see you." Petra opened the door wider and stepped aside, "Come in." Levi was dressed in black pants, a white collared shirt, and the ever present cravat with a black jacket hanging from his shoulders. She gestured for him to sit, taking a seat across from him at the table. "What brings you here?" She casually smoothed out her tan skirt.

"I think you know."

"I'd offer you tea but we don't have any. Unless you'd like a glass of water?"

"I'm not here for a pleasant chat between friends."

Petra looked off to the side, "I'm sure I did the paperwork correctly."

"I'm here for you," Levi crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing her calmly.

"Guess I should have expected as much." Petra leaned back in her chair, looking back at him. "You guys don't have a lot of members, do you?"

"You're far too good a soldier, one of the best ever, to just walk away. It's a massive waste of talent."

"That's not your decision."

"Why? Why are you leaving?" Levi asked curiously. "You were so devoted to the cause."

Petra shrugged. "Whatever beliefs, motivations, and life experiences I had that once shaped me into the person I was are all gone. The twelve-year-old me who chose to join the military ten years ago no longer exists. _I_ am choosing a different path now."

"And what path is that?"

"I don't know. Maybe, now that soon I will no longer be a part of the military, I can help my father with his business and take over one day. He's very happy when I join him so he'll be overjoyed, I know. It was what he wanted in the first place I think."

Levi sat silently. Erwin had wanted to come himself. But he had delegated the task of making Petra change her mind to someone that she knew better. Who knew her better. Levi knew the woman who had served under him. He didn't recognize the stranger sitting across from him. He wasn't sure how to convince her to once again join their cause, because as she had said, the things that once drove her no longer existed.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"I don't know what to say. Is there anything I can say that will make you change your mind?" Levi asked.

Petra became quiet and he had his answer. "Will you write to me still? I'll understand if you don't want to." He sent her a letter every week, keeping her up to date on the ongoings of the Survey Corps, sometimes complaining about people and letting her know how her horse was doing. She did miss that sweet mare she had only known, if only for a little while.

* * *

"Your hair is longer than I imagined," Levi picked up the steaming cup of tea.

She reached up to touch her ponytail. "Yes."

"How's business? Still being harassed by the newlyweds?"

Levi had kept his promise and written to her. From the content of the letters, Petra had a feeling Erwin was partially responsible, trying to keep her as informed as possible and to hopefully get her interested in their dealings again. "No, thankfully, they were finally satisfied with the dresser." Petra rolled her eyes when he mentioned the clients she had complained about in her last letter. "How was the expedition? It was interrupted by what happened in Trost, right?" He usually came by once every week or two.

Over two months had passed but Erwin was persistent. He hoped Levi might wear her down but Levi knew he was making no progress. But he enjoyed spending a few hours forgetting all his responsibilities and burdens and everything that weighed him down, so she found him at her doorstep every other Saturday. "I'm sure you've heard about it and read about it in the newspapers."

"So it's true," Petra said. "There's a boy who can transform into a Titan, a result of 'a top secret military experiment.'"

"What's with the air quotes? You don't believe it?"

"Nope," she smiled widely. "Unless you're saying the military performed human experiments on children." Levi wisely sipped his tea and made no comment. "So, what're you going to do with him?"

"The success of an upcoming expedition will determine whether he lives or dies," Levi said after a second of hesitation.

"I see. Well," Petra smiled, "I'll be there to wish you luck before you guys leave."

* * *

"You look terrible," Petra said.

Levi limped in. "You used to be nicer."

"Or maybe I didn't want to risk getting stuck with certain chores like mucking the stables." Petra could feel his eyes on her as she pulled out the sweet pumpkin bread from the oven and set it on the table to cool. She poured tea into two cups and set one before her former captain.

Levi broke the silence. "I'm out of commission for a bit so I have a few days off."

"What happened?"

"Had to save a snot-nosed brat recklessly chasing after her boyfriend." He knew it didn't make sense to her but didn't elaborate. "I visited them, one by one." He looked down at his leg. She had a pretty good idea he was referring to the families of her old team. "It was...difficult, delivering the news."

"I'd image so."

"I'm glad I didn't have to do it for you," he stared into the teacup.

"That makes two of us," she smiled weakly. They fell silent and this time Petra spoke first. "I wanted to congratulate Erd in person about his engagement. And apologize to Oluo maybe."

"Apologize?" Levi raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"He wrote occasionally, and came by a few weeks ago. My father gave me old letters I'd written to him to read. I think Oluo liked me but I don't believe I reciprocated. I was very...clear about my lack of interest, both now and before I lost my memories. He didn't really take it well."

"The attraction was always one-sided," Levi said. "Before, you found him childish and annoying and ignored his miserable attempts to woo you."

"Why didn't I say anything to him then?"

"You never encouraged him. It was his problem to deal with, not yours. You shouldn't feel too bad, it's better not to give false hope, would've been much more painful for him later on."

"I still feel bad."

"Because you're a good person."

"What's going to happen now? To the kid, Eren."

"He'll have a trial in a few days," Levi answered, "where it'll be decided if he lives or dies."

* * *

Petra did not see him or hear from him for quite a while after the trial.

Everyday she diligently read the newspaper for any scrap of info. There were tidbits about the Survey Corps' movements but nothing solid. She worried for him, sometimes wondering maybe she should have gone back after all. She was starting to find out how much she disliked not knowing and being away from where the action was.

Then, one day, out of the blue, the headline was all about Levi and his team. It was shocking, what they were claiming. Petra refused to believe it. _They wouldn't kill civilians._ Then the battle of the Titans between Eren and the Female Titan in Stohess came to her. _No_ , she thought stubbornly, _that was different._ They are trying to save all of humanity. _I_ _t wasn't them. They didn't kill anyone. It's a lie_.

Petra hated waiting for more news to come. And she wanted real news, not more propaganda. Her father noticed her growing agitation but his attempts to help more annoyed than eased her. She often found herself lying awake in bed late at night, thinking about where Levi and the others were and if they were safe.

After spending far too long hoping for info, she was was shocked to pick up the newspaper and finally learn what they had actually been up to.

It took a while, even after all that, before Levi came to her.

"You know your wanted poster made you look kinda like a frog."

"That's what you have to say to me after all this time?"

Petra smiled, "Do you want some tea?"

It took a while for him to tell her the entire story. She never interrupted. He didn't hold back any details. She was more surprised about him being so honest with her than about how he and Hange had tortured a Military Police soldier for info. Finally, after two refills, he was done.

"Why did you tell me all of this?"

"Because I trust you." Because he felt if he had trusted his team then maybe they wouldn't have all gotten killed. "Now that you know what kind of man I really am, someone who's tortured a man and is responsible for killing countless humans, I'd understand if you want me to leave and never contact you again."

"Yes, you're...terrible," Petra began. "How many perfectly nice, mindless people who just minded their own business, eating people and destroying homes, continuing a purposeless existence did you kill? You awful, awful man," she deadpanned.

Levi's eyes widened marginally in surprise at her casual tone.

"Say," her expression morphed into a look of curiously, "how many people have I murdered? I'm assuming the kill count is high considering my former occupation and position."

"Are you sure you want to know? Are you going to ignore the other part—"

"I may not remember serving in the military but I don't live in a fantasy world. I don't go around living life thinking you can do something as big as you did, changing the government for the better and getting rid of all that corruption, without some sacrifices." She reached out and placed her hands on his. "You told me about the terrible things you've done but I will also acknowledge what you gave up, a part of yourself that can never be recovered, for the sake of us all."

Levi's muscles loosened, finally, truly at ease since before the terrible 57th expedition. "Thank you," he smiled softly at her.

Petra smiled at him in return. Her entire face lit up. "Do you wanna see that frog poster of yours? I kept a copy and doodled on it."

* * *

"You'll burn a hole in the floor, honey."

"I'm sorry, Dad, I'm making you anxious."

That wasn't the case at all but instead, her father said, "I wish I could tell you he'll be okay."

Eventually a young boy ran down the street, screaming the news. Petra released a long breath. She wouldn't be satisfied until she saw Levi in one piece in person. Her father stood. "Well, I'll be going now." He gave her a hug. Her father looked around the house. "Did you move here just so he can spend the night?"

"Dad! It's not like that!" Though since she moved into her new place, Levi had, in fact, spent the night a few times. He slept in a different bedroom of course but she wasn't telling any of that to her father.

Petra was surprised when Levi came to her that night. She hadn't been expecting him until the following morning. She welcomed him in nonetheless. There was such an exhausted expression on his face that she couldn't help it, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight. Levi didn't return the embrace but he didn't push her away either, slowly relaxing into it.

She didn't know how long they stood there, with her supporting him. Eventually he pulled back. Petra made some chamomile tea, noting his injuries. It would calm him and help ease any pain. She didn't know how much treatment he had gotten before sneaking off.

She sat by him, patiently waiting for him to begin. He told about visiting Keith Shadis to learn more about Grisha Yeager, of the mission to reach the basement. He told her about the annihilation of the Survey Corps, leaving less than a dozen members left alive, Erwin included in the death count because of a decision made by him. Petra didn't react even when he told her about the findings in the basement, how humanity wasn't at a point of extinction like they'd been led to believe for over a hundred years, only remaining a soothing, steady presence beside him.

He didn't leave that night.

* * *

A year passed and Levi's presence became more frequent in her home. Petra enjoyed having him around and thought he liked being around her as well. She wanted to meet his team, especially Mikasa, who was possibly a cousin of his. Strangely, it never seemed to happen. Petra was happier than she had ever been. Levi found himself smiling more around her and wishing to spent more time with her as well.

One night, when they were having dinner, she complained about never being able to meet his team. "They all sound like amazing kids. I'm going to meet them," Petra declared, determined.

Levi was quiet.

She'd prodded at him. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

He didn't answer.

"It's the food, isn't it? I've been practicing since Dad's no longer around to cook for me but I guess I didn't improve as much as I thought I did—"

"You're really stuck on meeting them, aren't you? You always bring it up."

"Yeah," she nodded.

Levi sighed, and finally admitted he had purposely kept her away. "I know I'm being paranoid and stupid. But I don't want to risk it," he said, not looking at her. "I'm glad you aren't another bloody patch, another painful memory." But she might be if she became caught up in his professional life once more. "If you had come back, and gone on the 57th expedition..."

 _The guilt over the death of his previous team hasn't disappeared completely_. Petra thought he was being silly but didn't push him, knowing he'd lost more people than pretty much anyone else.

Instead she walked around the table and sat by him, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

* * *

"...dipped it in chocolate and it was amazing! You'd be so disgusted," Petra giggled. In her periphery, she saw two people approaching hand-in-hand. "Hello," she greeted them warmly as they came close, eyeing her curiously. "You must be Eren and Mikasa. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Do we know you?" Mikasa looked at her, confused.

Eren's eyes lit up. "Wait, you're Petra, aren't you?"

"That's me," she nodded.

"Erd and the other guys told me all about you. Are you paying your respects?"

"Yes, I like to come here once a week."

"You're the one who's been leaving the flowers at my cousin's grave?"

Petra fixed the shawl around her shoulders, untucking her legs from under her. Their eyes became huge. Eren quickly helped her up. "Thank you," she smiled, hands on her swollen stomach.

He cleared his throat, "So, uh, how'd that happen? I know how it happened. I mean when—no I mean—"

"Eren," Mikasa scolded.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"Don't worry," Petra laughed. "To answer your question, it was before Levi left for the final battle."

"So, it's my cousin's?"

Petra's expression softened. "Yes, there's a part of him still here," she rubbed her belly. A small bump appeared. "A very strong part of him."

"Can...can we?" Mikasa gestured to the woman's belly.

"Of course."

They touched her stomach in awe.

"I found out a couple of weeks after Levi...after he died. I was so happy." Tears shone in her eyes, and the other two as well. "I wanted to meet you guys but you left to explore for a bit and I didn't want to risk traveling." The baby kicked again and they gasped. "She's very active," Petra chuckled.

"He's not completely gone," Mikasa said, smiling a little.

"No," Petra smiled, full of joy. "Soon, we'll have a very tangible part of him running around."

"Have you had lunch yet?" Eren asked.

"No, not yet."

"Let's go then," Mikasa said. "You need to eat."

"Lead the way," Petra said happily. "We have a lot to talk about."

* * *

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